I know you’ll be doing the right thing!
How my life totally changed
Why was it so difficult for me to find more calm moments in my life? Had I not practiced enough by now? I attended and helped organize all of those weekends with teachers, done my meditations on an off the cushion.
Damn is it hard to change my habits, my automatic reactions, these emotions!
Sitting in the middle of the office, things were crazy loud and hectic. Holding onto my lukewarm teacup during the little break I got, one thought crossed my mind: “This is NOT what I’d chosen this profession for!”
Shocked about the thought I’m finding myself in the next moment in some kind of mental no-man’s-land. What was that? Where did this thought suddenly come from?
And yes, it was not the first time! I kind of knew that this confused, dense life would be normal in this job. How were the others doing it? They seem to be fine, capable of living along these lines. I’m not!
Again, there was this no-man’s-land.
But there is no other way!
Really?
The next hours went by running and working, trying to get it all done.
On the way home I paused my bike by the river, sat in the sun on the grass. I let my mind wander. It wandered into that space, that unknown void, that no-man’s-land.
Something needed to change.
“I’m not going to live this way. That’s not what I’ve been born for!”
Wow, what a thought. But what have I been born for? How can I know this?
I don’t know.
Blank.
I’m just not capable of running in that world like this. This I know!
Then it sneaked into my mind: Ok, I’ll do this until I know the job well enough and then I go. I don’t need to stay. I can work in other settings. I’ll be ok!
I pondered for a while. A few months later I started talking about it. I heard a lot of opinions, bad ideas, and good tips.
If I learned one thing on this journey it is that sharing my raw, honest inner truth showed me, where others, my friends, my buddies really were at. No one liked my wild idea!
A few could totally relate to how I felt and what I thought.
One or two said: “I don’t like what you want to do, but I know that you’ll do the right thing!”
That was it, that’s what I needed to hear!
The following year many things happened. It felt like really listening to my inner truth was what flipped a switch: Things magically fell into place.
My job supported me well during that process 21 years ago. This allowed me to gain confidence and to feel grateful for my work and for the new direction my life was about to take.
A year later I finally sat down in my small retreat room. I just lit a candle and was about to start my very first 5am session together with others but alone in my little space.
I had no idea where this journey would take me. I’d have never believed you if you would have told me I’d stay for 7 years!